September 12, 2008 9:10 am
by MarilynJean Mortensen
What was supposed to be a regular meeting of women's rights activists at a local YMCA turned into a bloody stage of violence when a meeting participant attacked another woman while she was speaking.
Witnesses describe seeing Jane Smith, 49, of Cleveland Heights leap from her seat onto the back of the unidentified victim. Witnesses say the woman was speaking about a petition from the group Women Say No to Palin, encouraging women to sign on. The victim was reading from a laundry list of reasons as to why vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is not qualified to serve.
"I just....I just couldn't stand it anymore," says Ms. Smith when questioned by authorities. She claims blind fury led her to attack the victim. "I don't know what came over me. I'm just so tired of people attacking this woman. She is a mother. She has worked hard to get to where she is. I resent these feminist hacks claiming that her selection by John McCain was affirmative action and an insult to women everywhere. Where do they get these ideas?"
Ms. Smith is currently being held at a local mental facility under police supervision. Police officers arrived on the scene to find Ms. Smith rocking back and forth in the corner of the multi-purpose room where the attack occurred muttering about moose burgers. The victim was being assisted by other women in the room.
"In my twelve years on the force I have never seen anything like it. I mean...it's as if the woman was attacked by a dog or something. The stench of blood and patchouli was almost overwhelming. Luckily EMS arrived on the scene pretty quickly," reports Officer Wayne Robert who was first to arrive at the scene.
The second officer, Doug White, attended to Ms. Smith. "When I saw her in the corner, I didn't know what to make of her. She was wearing this flowing skirt, like something she made herself and she had some sort of t-shirt on that said something about war not being pro-life. I instantly called a social worker because I knew she was crazy and not your average criminal. They don't prepare you for this at the academy."
Kathy Blake, the social worker handling the case shared some insight. "This woman is a victim as well. She is suffering from a relatively new condition that is dubbed the Palin Effect. It's a syndrome really. Cases have been popping up all over the country. Normally progressive minded women find themselves losing insight and reason. They fail to understand facts and reality. I have read reports of women lashing out Obama rallies and staff meetings. In Ann Arbor, Michigan, a community organizer was attacked by a woman who tried to run him over with her Prius."
There isn't much to learn from the medical community about this condition. Sources say that the Palin Effect is very new, but spreading rapidly and affecting only women who are registered as independent or democrat with their local board of elections. Republican women are somehow immune to the Palin Effect. "The symptoms that are caused by the Palin Effect are actually normal functions in women who married to or registered as Republicans," says Ms. Blake.
Women are encouraged to read daily to prevent loss of fact-based understanding. Authorities are encouraging people to delete any chain emails on site. Other precautions include:
- Read articles daily from credible newspapers and magazines
- Maintain contact with progressive minded friends
- Avoid babies and children
- Stay away from hunting stores
- Abstain from meat
- Avoid CNN, MSNBC and Fox News
The Sappho Art Center will also be selling kosher-certified nag champa incense and vegan rice crispie treats. Proceeds will go to the victim's medical fund.
For Jane Smith, the road to recovery may be a long one. Once released, she will be formally charged. The victim is safely recuperating with family.