When she was born to the world several weeks ago, SP remarked that she was adding to the 18 million cracks in the proverbial glass ceiling that Hillary Clinton made during the Democratic primaries. Of course, many haters out there didn't appreciate SP co-opting Hill's words knowing that she is the political polar opposite of the Senator. It led many to think, "What the hell does the lady Clinton think about all this?" and it led some more people to speculate how long it would take Bill to hit on SP at a bipartisan function.
Hillary barely released a statement about SP, instead choosing to ignore that she even exists. I am taken aback at the lack of awe and deference she shows Sarah. I decided to track down Hillary and chat with her about the goings-on of this race. Over a piping hot green tea latte and lemon biscotti, I created a safe space for Hillary to share her true feelings.
Me: How are you doing, really?
H: I'm doing well. I'm tired - this campaign has taken a lot out of me, but I want to show Democrats that this election is ours to win and --
Me: You don't have to say that for me.
H: (sits back) I'm tired as hell. I'm disappointed and Bill is fucking annoying.
Me: I can see that. He's a tad full of himself.
H: Tell me about it. At first, you think it's charming, but after all these years it just grinds my gears.
Me: So. Sarah. Why are you ignoring her?
H: She's not worth it. This campaign isn't about her. It's about the issues.
Me: (laughing) Senator, really: why are you ignoring the awesomeness that is Sarah Palin? The Saracuda? The Hottest VP from the Coldest State? The new poster child for parents of Down Syndrome children?
H: (blinks) Governor Palin--
Me: It's pronounced "pay-lynn"
H: (sighs) Governor Palin should be commended for her accomplishments inside and outside the home. As a working mother and politician, I understand the enormous amount of pressure she must be experiencing.
Me: Isn't she great at balancing the kids, the state, the campaign, the husband and the vicious media and the lying liars that run it? And the sexism! I don't know if you can imagine what she's been through these past several weeks.
H: Are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me right now?
H: She has the audacity to take my line, my great line about cracks in the glass ceiling and use it to cosign MY supporters...the women who worked hard for me and my campaign. That was a low blow for me and feminism.
Me: I smell hater...
H: 18 million cracks! What a hoot. The only crack she knows about is the one that splits her ass and the rest that she's snorting that's making her think she has a chance in hell of being Vice President of the United States.
Me: You take that back.
H: I will not.
Me: Do you want the rest of your scone?
H: No, but you can't have it.
Me: See, Sarah wouldn't do something like that. Are you mad because while you were wasting time in law school, she was dating her high school sweetheart and winning beauty pageants?
H: I was arguing cases while she was trying to pass home ec. I refuse to engage in an argument about her merits versus mine; there is just no comparison. Yes, she is pretty. Yes, she is in great shape. Do I find her interest in hunting and sports slightly erotic? Yes. But none of this matters because John McCain is the person people should be concerned about. She is merely a distraction.
Me: She is pretty distracting. I would say disarming, even. Did Chelsea ever play hockey?
H: Our children are not part of this discussion.
Me: OK. Has she ever been pregnant?
H: Knock it off.
Me: Cindy McCa--
H: Hate her. Who just randomly adopts a kid from an orphanage in a foreign country and doesn't tell her husband? What's with the blinged out USMC and NAVY pins that she wears? Next question.
Me: That's call Pride, something you obviously don't have in your country. Todd never cheated on Sarah. Why do you think that is?
H: He's gay. Hot, but gay.
Me: Do you not want Bill to ever be in the same room as Sarah?
H: I could care less these days.
Me: Yeah....how come she's a better mother than you?
H: That is not true, therefore your question isn't valid.
Me: Please don't use lawyer speak with me. I'm a Real American Woman and I want Straight Talk. This is why we can't beat the Republicans, Hillary. Not enough Straight Talk and too much Liberal Jibber Jabber.
H: That's not why. Senator Obama was right: America is full of a bunch overall-wearing idiots who cling to their guns and religion because they are too stupid or too lazy to actually think for themselves and look beyond the tip of their nose and see the world around them. Republicans win every time because they've managed to frame every issue in a way that makes sense to these types of people. Abortion? For whores. Guns? God wants you to have at least one. Taxes? Bad. Even though they pay for everything from roads and schools to your son's helmet when he went overseas to fight a stupid war that I was stupid enough to authorize....it's just all fucked up.
Me: In a fight between Sarah and Ann Coulter, who would win?
H: Sarah. Ann's a whore tool of the neoconservative media. Sean Hannity jacks off to fantasies about her and Michelle Malkin making out on the set of Hardball. Sarah would rip every single dyed blonde hair out of her head. I would take that bitch out to lunch after she did it, too.
Me: I agree. Sarah would pretty much annihilate her to the point that she would need reconstructive surgery.
H: Look, I would love to chat with you more, but...
Me: ANYtiiiime. Thank you for being honest. This is going to stay just between us. Can I have a hug?
H: God, no.